A Mother's Eyes

All of my patients have sad stories...
They are facing death everyday or living scan to scan with the fear of cancer coming back.
I came across a sad scene on one of my clinic days recently.

A patient came to see us with his mother and his sister.
Needless to say, it was serious since he never comes with his family and is always "doing well".
He had severe worsening of chronic kidney failure due to tumors in his kidney and now is on dialysis.
He lost significant amount of weight and was in poor condition when I spoke with him on the phone a week ago.
I could not recognize him when I walked into the room.
He was withdrawn, quiet, on the exam table, laying there and breathing softly but shallow.  He had lost so much weight that his face was bony and only his abdomen protruded...
He had difficulty walking and breathing because of the abdominal girth.
Clearly terminal....

We began our visit and stayed in the room for a long time.
As my attending and I explained that he is not a surgical candidate because he may not survive surgery, his mother's eyes started to moisten.  His sister stayed very calm and asked other possible medical interventions. We told her that it is a possibility but he is too weak to receive any medication that will produce negative side effect and that he will likely cannot endure the treatment. Only thing we can do at this point is continuing dialysis and hope that he turns the corner in the next few weeks. He looked sad and did not say or ask anything to us.

I could not take my eyes off of his mother. She was looking at him thoughtfully and lovingly but with such sorrow. Her eyes looked as if she was thinking of him as a boy, not a 40 something year old man who is cachectic and perhaps facing death soon.  It looked as if she was thinking about how he was a young boy, the happy days and how he grew up under her roof. Her eyes were of a mother who cannot understand but is trying to stay strong for her son and trying to not shed a tear in front of her son and daughter. But she did at the end silently while he was not looking....

I think this scene .... this very sad scene was the most saddest encounter I have ever had.
I do not know why but her eyes made me so sad. Perhaps because I have become a mother and I can almost feel the pain she has or imagine it.
Her sorrow filled eyes stayed with me until I was home. I looked at my two children and I again cried for her inside.